How to buy a G.I. Joe

Hello fair readers! I've been paying close attention to the latest releases in the G.I. Joe action figure line lately, and I have noticed something. These babies are getting more expensive (around $8 per figure) BUT they are AWESOME. I just wanted to share my observations, tips, and some G.I. Joe history from my life with you, but not necessarily in that exact order. I'd also like to help you in choosing which G.I. Joe figures to buy for someone else.

I'm watching the new G.I. Joe movie as I write this. It's good not great, but I like it a lot. It was way better than I thought it would be, and didn't ruin my birthday like Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen did last year.

So, I have played with G.I. Joe action figures for much of my life. I must mention here that there are two types of G.I. Joe figures. There are the 1/6 scale, 12" figures. These are getting really advanced, and I'm going to beg my wife to let me get this one. Crazy right? I mean, crazy as in "that figure is crazy cool" not "my wife will think I'm crazy." She already knows that. The other type of G.I. Joe figure are the 3 3/4" size. These are the figures I will be talking about in this informative review.

The first official one I got was from my dad. He brought it home from his work after some kid had left it there. It was just the figure, no weapons or accessories. After that, I got three from my adopted grandma Mrs. Spade on Grandparent's Day in first grade. The most notable figure I got was Firefly, a Cobra saboteur. He quickly became my favorite. G.I. Joe figures are a great size as their scale lends them to many exciting combat environments. They can make a sniper roost in the Christmas tree. They can stand guard over baby Jesus in your family's miniature nativity scene. They can take cover behind a soda can. Over the years I've lost almost all of my Joes, although I still have my Firefly figure and his sniper rifle. His paint is rubbed off in many places, and his joints are loose, but I still like him a lot.

I never watched the cartoon on TV, I just liked the toys, and so when I went to college I met the Hornbarger family, and they opened my eyes to some of my new favorite characters. I had no idea that there were two rival ninjas named Snake Eyes and Stormshadow. They are the perfect yin-yang nemeses. One wears black, the other wears white. One is good, one is evil. They were raised as brothers, and are sworn to defeat each other. I quickly realized these two characters were crazy cool, and I started to collect the Sigma Six line. I won't go into these as they were an odd size scale and had weird, anime features. Just know that I have both the Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow figures. From then until now, I've tried to collect many different versions of each of these characters. They are still awesome, and are getting awesomer with the new figure sets.

Now, when I was growing up, G.I. Joe hands were awful. They couldn't hold half the guns they came with, and the ones they could hold looked retarded in their grip. A healthy dose of imagination fixed this readily enough, but still... they were dumb. And if you put too many weapons into their hands, their thumb would break off and that was that. I had a few lefty Joes due to this. The old figures were decently detailed, but there were too many instances of weapons and accessories that were only detail and not functional. Too many figures had a holstered knife or pistol that was for show only. These figures are endearing for old times sake, but the new figures blow them up faster than an M80 in your driveway.

The newest figures have pistols that go in and out of the holsters, hands that can hold most if not all of their provided weapons, and detailing that will melt your eyes. Hasbro is also getting super generous with the amount of weapons and gear the new figures are coming with. For instance, a sweet example of the new awesome is the Jungle Viper. Ok, so in the picture he looks retarded. But in reality, all that junk exploding out from his perimeter can be folded down on ball and socket joints to form a sweet, high-tech looking ghillie suit. On top of that, he has TWO handguns, and both of them have a holster. One holster is on his waist, and the other on his ankle. He also has a huge sniper rifle, and Hasbro gave him an extra rotating joint in his wrist so that he can hold the rifle in both hands, one on the handle and one supporting the gun. The gun is massive, but the figure has no trouble holding it level AND standing stable when attached to his display base. Simply amazing. Also, check out Beachhead. Count the SIX guns he comes with, and one is a SCAR, a modern special forces assault rifle. How relevant.

So basically, if you aren't paying attention to G.I. Joes, you should be.

So which one to buy if they are all so equally awesome? Well fair reader, "some are more equal than others." -George Orwell, Animal Farm (thanks Mr. McConiga for making me read that one, it is one of my favorites comrade). For this example, let's take everyone's favorite ninja, Snake Eyes. There are three different figures to consider as seen here.





















Now, which one would you think would be the best choice? 1, 2, or 3? Now, 1 looks cool with his assortment of ninja weaponry, and he has a feature where you can twist him or something and his spring-loaded waist makes him kick! Exciting right? WRONG. That kind of stuff limits the figure's movement and posing potential AND requires less imagination to run. Trust me, that is important in the long run of the playability of this toy. Now, 2 and 3 are close, but I prefer 2 to 3 for two reasons. The first is obvious, 2 has a WAY better weapon selection. Not shown in the picture are two silencers that can be attached and removed from his pistol and Uzi SMG. SWEET. The second is that he comes with two choices of heads to use. One is his visor, and one his mask with goggles. AWESOME. 3rd Snake Eyes is standard, but a little to vanilla for my tastes. He comes with Timber, his wolf companion, and that is a big plus, but it is easier to play with extra guns than a wolf when it comes to G.I. Joe. Still, a katana, G36 assault rifle, and twin Mac11 SMGs are all right, and his vest/jacket/equipment harness is real cool looking. A decent choice if you can't find the one with two heads. The two heads is a new thing G.I. Joe is doing with this product line, and many of the new characters have that option. I think it is sweet because it gives the player choices. That is always good.

Well, that's all I have for tonight on the subject, but as you can see, I'm quite passionate about this. Now, if you readers (all 6 of you) could spam my wife's blog with comments about letting me get that new Firefly figure, I'd be forever grateful to you IF she lets me get it. Please help a poor nerd. OR you can buy it for me. I'd be forever grateful to you. It would also be tax deductible because I'm unemployed and it is therefore a charitable donation.

Thank you, and goodnight.